'Hmmm - he's soft and hard at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty.' It is his Dom gaze - cold, hard and sexy as hell, seven shades of sin in one enticing look.' 'Look at me,' he breathes, and I stare up into his smouldering grey gaze. It's good that she clarified this, because initially the significance of the song was unclear. This song used to mean so much to me that's because I'm a misfit. 'Amy Studt is singing in my ear about misfits. My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.' 'I had no idea giving pleasure could be such a turn-on, watching him writhe subtly with carnal longing. It's basically an embodiment of her sex drive and/or her vagina, we think. She also has a really loud and obnoxious inner goddess who's always doing dance moves. 'My very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba.' We're not clear on whether she's actually supposed to be mentally unwell. Ana has a really loud and obnoxious subconscious that's always doing dance moves in her head. 'I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious - she's doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his.' It's a heady cocktail - so much better than a margarita, and now I can speak from experience.' 'Oh my - sweat and body wash and Christian. The core of our frontal lobe, which is the area of the brain that controls logical reasoning, is telling us that this sentence is needlessly convoluted. 'And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain – probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells – comes the thought: He's here to see you.' 'His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel. Now that the big-screen versions of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele have been cast, we felt inspired to look back on some of the book's most inexplicable extracts. James's prose – laden as it is with earnest exclamations, weirdly placed ellipses and tone-deaf metaphors – is flat-out bizarre. Badly written by itself wouldn't be worthy of a feature.

Here's the thing about EL James's best-selling erotic-novel-turned-global-sensation Fifty Shades of Grey: it's not just badly written. Play icon The triangle icon that indicates to play

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